Reflecting on a Year of Growth...

2023 has been a year steeped in deep growth.

Starting off in January on uneven footing, with sudden, unexpected, severe grief leading me down one of the most difficult but most necessary paths of self-discovery I’ve yet to undertake. There were so many moments in those days, back in January and February, where I said to myself and close friends that I wanted to end the year on much better terms than I started it. While 2023 has been one of the hardest years of my life, it’s also been one of the most rewarding. Life became altogether different than what I thought/planned it would be. So with a dash of ambition to find light at the end of the tunnel, I discovered some of the happiest places and people to share my life with.

Kintsugi has been one of my themes this year:

-the art of mending broken pottery with gold to remind us that we are more beautiful for having been broken.

Here are some of my gold moments that mended me this year:

1.     Starting off with my literal golden girl – Ellie. Ellie gave me a sense of family when I needed it most. She stabilized me, even as she was zooming and chewing and jumping all over the place. As she’s grown up, she’s grown my spirit, my happiness, my sense of belonging, and my love with her. Every day I think I love her more.

-   As a little pup-date: Many of you know she recently had emergency surgery for a bowel obstruction that we think was pieces of a Christmas ornament. The fear of not having my girl struck my soul deeply, and I cannot imagine life without her. I’m so glad she’s here and I feel even more appreciation for all her little smiles, sass, and belly rubs. She fulfills my spirit just by existing. Her recovery went great and she’s back to being herself. (She also now has doggy health insurance and zero access to Christmas decorations).

-   I’ve loved the song My Home by The Change for a couple years and used to think it was about the artist’s golden retriever. I am now convinced this song is about my golden retriever Ellie (at least it is to me).

It begins:

“My home has beautiful eyes, the cutest nose, the prettiest smile

My home likes starry nights, is short in height, and sometimes bites

My home has a got a couple windows to my soul

My home somehow makes me feel so whole

 My home feels like gold”  

2.     I had a beautiful expansion of family this year. As a very family orientated human who has experienced several losses in my family over the years; expanding and feeling completely accepted with new family members has been one of the most joyous experiences this year. I’ve always had a beautiful, supportive family unit with my immediate family, and it’s been wonderful to watch that grow to include new faces.

-   This of course began with a friend I fell in love with this year (who I introduced in previous posts). I found a relationship with someone who understands me, who consistently shows up in our relationship - a true man of his word, who loves fiercely, and who is someone I admire dearly.  He became the best doggy dad to Ellie. He introduced his wonderful, fluffy, black cat Bandit to our furry family and embraced our squadron of 3 cats and 1 dog with open arms. My baby girl cats, Ariel and Chai, love to get sassy and have fun with Bandit. It’s so fun to see our house full of life, and Bandit definitely has a soft spot for Chai.

-   My new relationship came with a new set of parents and new family members. They have spoiled me with so much love, acceptance, and care; I could not be more grateful. I am truly lucky.

-   This season of change and new relationship also came with friends who just fit into my life like family. Friends who looked after me when I needed it most, who make my life more exciting, joyful, and full of laughter. (Even some really fun, saucy friends including Kimberly).

3.     This year refreshed my passion for medicine in the second half of the year. I’ve known I wanted to be a doctor since high school. I spent hundreds of hours working as a CNA in a nursing home, volunteering in hospitals, and shadowing physicians leading up to my time in medical school. Medical school is a beast, especially the first half which has you completely in your books and spending zero time with patients. It’s really easy to forget why you’re putting all these grueling hours in. This year I made the transition from a complete didactic education to nearly a complete clinical education. I now get to wake up at the crack of dawn every day and head to the hospital as a pupil in a field I adore. I’m learning on the job and interacting with real patients. I get much less sleep, but my quality of life in terms of happiness has skyrocketed. I know I am exactly where I’m meant to be.

4.     Lastly, as 2023 went by and I was making strides of growth with these large life transitions, I became more connected to myself and things I really want. For example, building my confidence back up by doing 7 months of high dose Accutane to clear up acne I’ve dealt with since I was 10 years old (that’s nearly 15 years of acne). This is the first time I’ve had clear skin as an adult – which has been great for my self-esteem. I’ve also been diving into hobbies new and old that bring me joy. Particularly, getting back into Ballet. (Something I did throughout my childhood that I now want to bring back into my life as an adult).

My real goal has been to end this year feeling like me again.

Because really, the identity that has been most stable in my life is that I’m a happy person.

I always hear, “Natasha, you are always smiling”, “Natasha, you laugh at everything!”, “Even your resting face as a grin!”.

I’m easy to make laugh, I giggle at every stupid joke, even the ones I say myself, even if I’m alone in a room. I am great at finding joy in the small things: the warm cup of coffee, the sun pouring in the windows, the songs that my phone plays on shuffle. I’m not a difficult person to make happy, so when I was feeling deeply unhappy, I really didn’t feel like myself.

So do I feel like myself now? Did I achieve that goal? I think the answer is a definite yes. 

Some of the biggest rainbows come after the hardest rainstorms. For me, the storm is over, the grass is growing, and I’m loving the chapter of my life I’m on. I’m so excited for the chapters awaiting me in the years to come.

With that, I’m ready for 2023 to come to a close. I found beauty in an unexpected path this year, and now I’m flourishing.

I wish anyone and everyone reading this a joyful end to the year.

And with that, I’ll see you in 2024!

Sincerely,

Natasha LaGrega